You might be a Garbage Person if…

Unless you are the elusive unicorn mom who allows absolutely zero screen time (and I salute you if you are she), then at some point your children have been entranced by these videos of people opening toys on YouTube. From there it’s an easy trip down the Rabbit Hole and suddenly, even with all the parental controls that ever controlled, you kids end up seeing something they shouldn’t.

Here is my adorable daughter enjoying a break from her second birthday photoshoot. With my iphone.

Here is my adorable daughter enjoying a break from her second birthday photoshoot. With my iphone.

Now, I know what you’re going to say, it’s my job to make sure they don’t see anything and you’re absolutely right. The onus is always on us to guard our children. But I want to talk about the nefarious garbage people who make horrible videos for kids. And I am not talking ridiculous consumption of toys horrible, I’m talking about hearing the dulcet tones of the Peppa Pig theme followed by “I’M GONNA RAPE YOU IN THE ASS!” when they announce Daddy Pig horrible.

There is an entire community of grown adults who make these videos reenacting scenes with kids toys and making them horribly perverted. Yes, freedom of speech and expression, totally. Absolutely. But the end game seems to make sure they are in the video stream with the sweet-if cloying Disney Collector and the channels where people use the toys to teach colors and numbers. They specifically target kids. They enjoy this. They want the kids to see this filth.

My husband has his office in his home. I am a writer and photographer so I am frequently either writing or editing on my computer. My children’s school uses websites for math skills and english exercises. Pretending devices aren’t a part of our lives would be silly. They are. And as I do work from home there are times when I have to take a call, submit an article or deliver a gallery and it has to be done THEN. For that there is only one thing that can ensure ten minutes or so of time for me. And that is damn toy videos on YouTube. The next thing you know I hear that Owlette has been knocked up by Gecko from PJMasks and Catboy is pissed and wants to beat the shit out of Gecko.

If you’re not familiar with PJ Masks these characters are LITTLE KIDS who fight crime in their jammies at bedtime.

My oldest today came to me with all manner of questions about Santa. I was unprepared as, you know, it’s Spring. He happened upon videos of parents telling their kids Santa isn’t real. Everyone handles this differently, and as for me and my house we do Santa. Like, big time whoa we do Santa. I am ALL IN for the Santa experience. I myself am not entirely sure the big guy isn’t just hanging out at the North Pole with the elves. I once met Ed Asner and I swear he is moonlighting as a plain human 364 days a year.  I mean you guys, I am not kidding. The twinkle in his eye is pure magic.

I knew we  would have this conversation eventually and as of now he is “Leaning towards” me being Santa, but as he showed me the videos all could think was :

You people are garbage people.

Now, every Halloween I am accused of having ‘no sense of humor’ when it comes to the Jimmy Kimmel videos of the parent’s stealing the children’s candy.  I think a lot of things are funny, even the kid fail videos my kids’s show me. But making our kids cry on purpose? Taking something from one smaller that us? That’s not funny to me. That’s bullying. That’s what we are supposedly trying to teach our kids not to do! So go ahead, call me a pussy. I’ve been called it every year when I say it’s not cool…I can take it.

But I maintain if you knowingly set out to expose children to horrible things by making disgusting videos with kids’ shows and toys, or if you try to ruin childhood for others. Well then, you might be a garbage person.

And by might, I mean you are. Garbage. Person.