feminism

Uncomfy in spin class? Vaginal Surgery is the answer!

Oh my GOD you guys, do we have time to get our bits done before swimsuit season??? The audacity of heading out with the original equipment!

Dr. David Ghozland wrote a fantabulous article on his website called Labiaplasty For Comfort And Aesthetics in Spin Class. (you can read it here )

 

Thank God someone is finally addressing the reason I have never gone to spin class. It’s not that I am lazy, or don’t belong to a gym. Or am afraid of falling off a stationary bike for no reason and embarrasing myself Bridget Jones style. No, the main obstacle to my being a SoulCycle goddess is my labia.  

Lucky for me, and I am sure so many other’s whose labias shake their fists and say “no spin class on my watch, missy!” Dr Ghozland has the answer! Labiaplasty. And if you’re still not convinced that trimming off your labia will make spin class better (hey! You’ve already lost a few ounces!) he further supports his point that lopping off your lady lips is the way to go…cause lululemon. That’s right, ladies! You will look better in your expensive legging if you have less labia (I have not been able to find any articles on lessening the male genitalia in order to make spin class more comfortable and easier on the eye). Or rather than a painful surgery, you could, I dunno, wear a long shirt? Shorts? But if you are going spend all that money on fancy leggings, I guess what you want isn’t comfort, or support, what you want for reals, is everyone to look at your vajay and awe in it’s glory. If so,  what you need is a facelift for your tootie!

 

He also cites that there are 13 SoulCycle franchises in the LA area alone, so no wonder it’s trending. Don’t you know the SoulCycle seats are often uncomfortable and labiaplasty can help with that?

 

Or SoulCycle could fucking buy some more comfortable seats.

 

Let’s be honest. This is a made up issue. On a daily basis, though seeing many women in many leggings in my life I confess I have spent a stunning lack of time even noticing anyone’s area. Am I wommaning wrong? When I comment on how cute my friend’s new leggings, am I remiss in not saying  “Your vulva looks AMAZING in those new LulaRoe Celtic Knot leggings !” Most people’s lady bits don’t look like a porn stars. Let’s just start there. Nor should they. Each person is a different and just fine the way they are. A male audience member who once saw me in a production of HAIR took it upon himself to inform me of his thoughts on my body- bits and all- and what he found likable and what displeased him. Because obviously, he had the right too. And obviously, this would be important to me. Especially since he was 60 feet away in a dark theatre lit only by an on-stage fire in a barrel. Even if he had been front row center, what makes men think this is acceptable, and what made me and so many other women who have experienced similar verbal vaginal dissections not haul off and slap the shit out of them? We should do more calling out (or slapping) of men when this happens and less altering our bodies to please them. They are never pleased.

 

But wait! there’s more!

 

I had to click the when the article comes across my Facebook timeline. Knowing I would rage. How can anyone resist the clickbait headline? The new must-have for young women celebrating big birthdays is no longer boob jobs or nose jobs, it’s labiaplasty!!  Perfect for the girl who has everything! How will this play on My Super Sweet Sixteen? Will they wheel the girls off to surgery wearing a tiara straight from the party while their guest toss flower petals at them? Will they chauffeur her home from the hospital in their brand new car while being serenaded by Ariana Grande? Please don’t let there be an unveiling…I am completely heartbroken that these young girls feel the need to want to have their vaginas tightened and their labias shortened. I just want to scream into the universe WHAT THE TUCK EVERLASTING. Look, I get that the world is messed up, but this??? This really messed up. What parent signs off on this? “Happy Birthday! You were perfect the day you came into this world but now you’re sixteen and the other day you mentioned you don’t look like the girls in porn ‘down there’ so, we are gonna get you all fixed up!”  Teen boys watch porn, I know, shocking development. But now teen girls are too and they are learning quickly that not all vaginas are created equally, especially Franken-Vaginas.  And God help us, they feel insecure about their vaginas and how boys will feel about them. I want to tell these girls their bodies are beautiful just the way they are. But I don’t think heading over to the high school and telling each young women that walks by, “Hey girl! Your vagina is perfect just the way it is!” is an appropriate way for any adult to spend their afternoon.

 

How do we live in an age where everything is public, including our private parts without comparison being the thief of joy? I mean, do these parents who sign off on this need some personal reassurance? Are they living some weird past insecurities? Or were they shamed at SoulCycle?  Cause, just for the record, ladies, your labias are lovely and you know what to say to any man (or woman) who says differently.

 

Now, I don’t want to judge any adult woman. Some of our cha-chas have been around and seen some things, perhaps had a few babies and maybe, just maybe you want to get it tightened and that is your business. Your lady business. None of my business. Maybe you’ve just never liked your Altar of Venus and want it nipped and tucked, then I have your back! Your body, your choice. Or, maybe you’ve had a trauma and this is medically necessary in which case you go girl, you go. Seriously though, and I mean this will all my heart, ask for the good drugs and lots of them.

 

And if SoulCycle and Lululemon makes you want surgery….take yoga, in joggers.  If a man wants you to do it, take everything.

Doritos for Girls!

 

 

I wanted to write some funny bit about the lady Doritos, cause let’s be honest there is so much comedy there, I mean come on.

 

The least of which is that non-crunchy doritos are just corn tortillas, and I will eat those bad girls wrapped around taco junk like WHOA. And I will eat them in fluffy slippers while weeping over the Notebook, hidden in my pink bedroom with my canopy bed and and write in my journal. I’m also making a fake Facebook account so I can stalk that one  high school boyfriend. OH! I super hope they make pink lady Doritos (Doritas? Dorititas?) for Breast Cancer Awareness month! The only thing better than delicate girly corn chips is pink girly corn chips!

If you make ANYTHING pink we will buy it. Right ladies? We are like pink hammer? Gimme! Pink TV’s? I am a grown up so YES! Oh! Can it have a bow? Maybe kitty ears. We love animal ears on everything! Or Pom Poms!

But as an eating disordered woman, one who is healthy now, this just hits me right where it counts. I remember distinctly seeing Scarlett O’Hara being told to eat before she goes to the barbecue at Twelve Oaks. Because the men can’t see you eat. (now, this is probably the LEAST horrible thing in that flick but stick with me) Order a salad, don’t finish your meals on dates, we are taught. By the 4th grade most girls on are on a diet or believing they need to diet. Skipping lunch becomes the norm as the only thing worse than being weak enough to need food is the shame of letting people see how weak you are. Your shame is compounded if you make noise.  A Diet Coke and a cheese stick for strength is all any girl needs.

We teach our girls to be small and quiet, complacent and pliable. To watch our tone and to not be too loud, too angry or in general too much. Now you want to tell me that eating Doritos is an affront to femininity?  Their marketing idea is making chips easier to hide and quieter to eat? Hard pass on that. Junk food already has shameful connotations, sneaking a chip, we shouldn’t be eating this, etc. etc. etc.

It may seem like a cute gimmick, well a stupid gimmick but it reinforces a very strong force on us and our girls. And it sucks.

So you’ll forgive me if the idea of non-crunchy secretive doritos made to fit in your purse doesn’t fill me with glee. Did they not fit in purses before? Are mini bags a secret only mom type women are privy too? I have three kids, at any given time I have a bag of chips…somewhere. Ladies without children, lean in, let me tell you a secret…Doritos come in little bags. You can get them at the store or even in vending machines. I know right, this is BRAND NEW INFORMATION.

 

We don’t need feminine chips. We do need feminine products for lower income girls. We need workplaces free of sexual harassment. We need female leaders who will speak for us. We need male leaders to view us as humans.

The idea that we eat Doritos too loudly and we should be ashamed of that?

We don’t need that.

 

 

Be a voice for those with prisoner tongues

“Be a voice for those with prisoner tongues.”

26992200_10155015189135876_5138856550539358517_n

This phrase from Halsey’s breathtaking poem at the Women’s March keeps ringing in my ears. Be a voice for those with prisoner tongues. What a sentence. What a call to action. It’s not a new one, by any stretch, which makes it all the more aching.

I’ve been thinking on what it means to be a white woman in America right now, because we are at a crossroads in this country and women who look like me need to get it together. We white girls are raised with a kind of Stockholm Syndrome, I have been a prisoner of it my whole life.  But mine is a gilded cage. My chains are societal norms, cultural conditioning, and generations old misogyny, indoctrinated and internalized.  What I specifically needed to break out of my prison was knowledge and the confidence and belief that I could.

21687436_10155015189100876_811653839481997266_n

Mine are not physical constrainments. Jails and schools are set up to kneecap white girls but not destroy them. It is not this way for others in this country. It is simply not. It’s far past time for us to recognize facts, let go of our defensives and shame over this and deal with it.

I can do nothing about the past. Today I can do something about. It costs me nothing to acknowledge the wrongs of the past and yes, even the part my ancestors may have played in that. (Full disclosure my family arrived in 1631 and settled North. As of now I don’t know if any of my ancestors owned slaves, but we sure didn’t treat Native Americans all that well) I cannot change that. What I can do is honor the sacrifice others made. I can loudly amplify and validate voices crying that systemic racism is real. I lose nothing by doing so. This country was, and still is built on the backs on black and brown people. This is the truth and if my saying it upsets you more than it happening, well then…well, I am gonna keep saying it until the actual events are more upsetting than the words.

26814452_10155015189255876_7283545688177721469_n

So now I personally have reached the point where I have realized I could walk about of my prison on my own (And not all white women can, but I could…and whatever we go through women of color have that plus a million more obstacles) Like Dorothy, I had the power all along. I just wasn’t aware of it. I feel a frustrated empathy for white women who aren’t there yet. Who don’t know yet. We are wasting precious time.

I am learning every day more and more and one thing I know I must learn more.

As white women we are taught to be gentle, decorative and to feel blessed that any good fortune comes our way, especially a good man. Thankful for scraps. I am done with scraps, I want a full course meal and I want EVERYONE to have a full course meal. And it starts with making sure everyone has access to all the same opportunities. What we do with those opportunities is up to us. I have squandered many a one myself. But I had them. So many don’t.

26907007_10155015189295876_3342438569862693432_n

So many have prisoner tongues. Prisoner souls. Prisoner bodies. I found my voice, and I am always testing it out, getting it right more often than not, sometimes saying it wrong. Always willing to learn more.

I will be a voice for those with prisoner tongues. Both publicly and in person one on one.

If someone had done that for me when I was a girl, if just one person had spoken up, if one person had…what might the world have looked like for me? What might it look like for a girl who has all the same problems I had plus those girls of color are born into? We can change this. We must realize that those with prisoner tongues are not less than.

Like anything else, the first step is admitting it is a problem.  It is.

Cecile Richards said “I’ve been privileged to be a troublemaker my whole life, I was raised by a troublemaker…..as Rep John Lewis said, good trouble, I hope. ”

There it is. She had the privilege to be a troublemaker. So many do not have the privilege to speak up, to speak out. She does. And I am claiming mine. I have the privilege to do so, I won’t waste it.

26907599_10155015306960876_4271296452482607673_n

I want to be a troublemaker and I want to raise trouble makers. Good troublemakers.

 

(Some of my favorite pictures I took at the 2018 DC Women’s March. )