Uncomfy in spin class? Vaginal Surgery is the answer!

Oh my GOD you guys, do we have time to get our bits done before swimsuit season??? The audacity of heading out with the original equipment!

Dr. David Ghozland wrote a fantabulous article on his website called Labiaplasty For Comfort And Aesthetics in Spin Class. (you can read it here )

 

Thank God someone is finally addressing the reason I have never gone to spin class. It’s not that I am lazy, or don’t belong to a gym. Or am afraid of falling off a stationary bike for no reason and embarrasing myself Bridget Jones style. No, the main obstacle to my being a SoulCycle goddess is my labia.  

Lucky for me, and I am sure so many other’s whose labias shake their fists and say “no spin class on my watch, missy!” Dr Ghozland has the answer! Labiaplasty. And if you’re still not convinced that trimming off your labia will make spin class better (hey! You’ve already lost a few ounces!) he further supports his point that lopping off your lady lips is the way to go…cause lululemon. That’s right, ladies! You will look better in your expensive legging if you have less labia (I have not been able to find any articles on lessening the male genitalia in order to make spin class more comfortable and easier on the eye). Or rather than a painful surgery, you could, I dunno, wear a long shirt? Shorts? But if you are going spend all that money on fancy leggings, I guess what you want isn’t comfort, or support, what you want for reals, is everyone to look at your vajay and awe in it’s glory. If so,  what you need is a facelift for your tootie!

 

He also cites that there are 13 SoulCycle franchises in the LA area alone, so no wonder it’s trending. Don’t you know the SoulCycle seats are often uncomfortable and labiaplasty can help with that?

 

Or SoulCycle could fucking buy some more comfortable seats.

 

Let’s be honest. This is a made up issue. On a daily basis, though seeing many women in many leggings in my life I confess I have spent a stunning lack of time even noticing anyone’s area. Am I wommaning wrong? When I comment on how cute my friend’s new leggings, am I remiss in not saying  “Your vulva looks AMAZING in those new LulaRoe Celtic Knot leggings !” Most people’s lady bits don’t look like a porn stars. Let’s just start there. Nor should they. Each person is a different and just fine the way they are. A male audience member who once saw me in a production of HAIR took it upon himself to inform me of his thoughts on my body- bits and all- and what he found likable and what displeased him. Because obviously, he had the right too. And obviously, this would be important to me. Especially since he was 60 feet away in a dark theatre lit only by an on-stage fire in a barrel. Even if he had been front row center, what makes men think this is acceptable, and what made me and so many other women who have experienced similar verbal vaginal dissections not haul off and slap the shit out of them? We should do more calling out (or slapping) of men when this happens and less altering our bodies to please them. They are never pleased.

 

But wait! there’s more!

 

I had to click the when the article comes across my Facebook timeline. Knowing I would rage. How can anyone resist the clickbait headline? The new must-have for young women celebrating big birthdays is no longer boob jobs or nose jobs, it’s labiaplasty!!  Perfect for the girl who has everything! How will this play on My Super Sweet Sixteen? Will they wheel the girls off to surgery wearing a tiara straight from the party while their guest toss flower petals at them? Will they chauffeur her home from the hospital in their brand new car while being serenaded by Ariana Grande? Please don’t let there be an unveiling…I am completely heartbroken that these young girls feel the need to want to have their vaginas tightened and their labias shortened. I just want to scream into the universe WHAT THE TUCK EVERLASTING. Look, I get that the world is messed up, but this??? This really messed up. What parent signs off on this? “Happy Birthday! You were perfect the day you came into this world but now you’re sixteen and the other day you mentioned you don’t look like the girls in porn ‘down there’ so, we are gonna get you all fixed up!”  Teen boys watch porn, I know, shocking development. But now teen girls are too and they are learning quickly that not all vaginas are created equally, especially Franken-Vaginas.  And God help us, they feel insecure about their vaginas and how boys will feel about them. I want to tell these girls their bodies are beautiful just the way they are. But I don’t think heading over to the high school and telling each young women that walks by, “Hey girl! Your vagina is perfect just the way it is!” is an appropriate way for any adult to spend their afternoon.

 

How do we live in an age where everything is public, including our private parts without comparison being the thief of joy? I mean, do these parents who sign off on this need some personal reassurance? Are they living some weird past insecurities? Or were they shamed at SoulCycle?  Cause, just for the record, ladies, your labias are lovely and you know what to say to any man (or woman) who says differently.

 

Now, I don’t want to judge any adult woman. Some of our cha-chas have been around and seen some things, perhaps had a few babies and maybe, just maybe you want to get it tightened and that is your business. Your lady business. None of my business. Maybe you’ve just never liked your Altar of Venus and want it nipped and tucked, then I have your back! Your body, your choice. Or, maybe you’ve had a trauma and this is medically necessary in which case you go girl, you go. Seriously though, and I mean this will all my heart, ask for the good drugs and lots of them.

 

And if SoulCycle and Lululemon makes you want surgery….take yoga, in joggers.  If a man wants you to do it, take everything.